Secrets Bar, Pattaya

Secrets Bar (Pattaya, Thailand)

See the full review at www.bangkokbarfine.com

The Kid can’t be called a flannel-mouthed liar if he dares to say that this might be his favorite bar so far in Thailand.  By necessity I do most of my ropin and ridin around Bangkok, but if I had my way I would setup shop in Pattaya and hang my hat most nights at Secrets.  At the end of the day a fellow wants a nice clean table, a meal to eat, a cold beer to drink, some friendly company and a place to lay his head.  This bar doesn’t disappoint.  

How to Get There: A Trail Map

The trail is pretty well trodden to this area of Pattaya, so even to the freshest greenhorn should be able to pull himself up to the bar in no time.  Secrets can be reached by setting off from either Beach Road (Walking Street section) or Second Road and heading down Soi 14.  Secrets is about halfway between each maybe about 75 meters.  Coming from Walking Street it will be on your right just after you pass Grand Hotel.  There is a sign with a big red circle and Secrets written in red.  

The place is easy to spot and offers parking on site for a small fee if you happen to be riding your metal horse.  There are a few seats and a bench out front.  There are three main entrances.  One entrance is for the hotel (marked) and two are for the bar.  The bar has an entrance in the front by the seats and one on the side just inside the small parking soi.

What to Do: A Little Sage Advice

This particular venue offers a lot to a man.  It is at once a bar, a gogo, a restaurant and a hotel (not to mention yacht rental, chauffeur service and Villa--someone has his fingers in a lot of pies).  Now, I can’t speak to the final couple of offerings, but I can certainly vouch for the first four.  

I happen to think that one of the best features of this bar is that it is immaculately clean.  This might not matter to some of you, and sometimes a fella just plain wants a place with a little wear and tear, but if you spend as much time as I do in questionable establishments it is refreshing to feel like you could curl up on the floor if need be.  The bar space is well organized and open and a man can choose between bar seats, secluded booths, not so secluded booths and high top tables.  It has something to match every mood and comfort level.  Hell, even the bathroom smells good.  

In addition, the menu is quite respectable if you have a hankering for a little grub.  They serve a breakfast starting early on and everything in between for the rest of the day.  The menu is quite varied and they even offer different types of stuffed baked potatoes.  How can a man go wrong with a belly full of meat and potatoes?

It might be a stretch to call this a gogo bar since the girls wear most of their clothes (high boots, short shorts and jogging bras) and only a few dance on a couple of discreet poles about the room, but that certainly doesn’t mean there isn’t a whole lot of good things to be seen.  The girls are beautiful and friendly and genuinely quite kind.  Not only that, but I happen to like a little left to the imagination.  

If you happen to find some little gal that tickles your fancy you can call her over for a drink and actually have a conversation because they don’t play the music so loud you can feel it vibrating your boot nails for three days.  My favorite thing about this bar is that all the staff are friendly and even enjoy playing games.  I don’t know any cowboy that wouldn’t enjoy a little game of chance with his drink and they have quite the offering.  The last time I was in town we played Jackpot Dice, Tiddly Winks and two forms of Jenga.  At one point, I do believe there were 8 people playing and I even won a few free drinks off the mamasan.   

Rope and Ride

I would like to say that there is an easy answer to how a fella can take a little lady on a date after drinks, but as of this moment I am still a little confused. The basics of calling her over, striking up a conversation, asking her out and paying the tab are the same, but the question of a bar fine remains a bit of mystery to this old cowpoke.  There is a type of sliding scale.  As best as I can recall it hinges on: whether the girl is a server or a dancer, whether she is the day shift or night shift and the time of the day during both of those shifts.  I do know that the top rate is 1,000 baht and I believe the bottom is 600.  I was informed, however, that this rate insures a few things including the right to petition the bar if you aren’t satisfied, a promise that they selected nice girls who won’t go poking through your saddlebag while you sleep and the cost of getting the girls tested once a month.  A thousand might be a little steep but compared to the general disdain you get for the same price at Baccarat and the average 400-600 around Bangkok, I’m not going to complain.  These are nice girls.  *I will update this page after I am back next time and get the bar fine situation sorted.

Another perk to this particular watering hole is that it offers a hotel on site.  This is not the hourly bunk house above some bars but a real hotel.  I have stayed here before I can vouch for the quality.  The room was clean, had a safe, a table and chairs, minibar, television and nice bathroom.  My favorites were the fully stocked supply of condoms, ear buds, tooth paste, tooth brush, shower cap, mouthwash and pump dispensers of soap and shampoo in the shower.  It is really nice for the days when you just ride out of town with nothing on your back after a long day of work.  This cowboy doesn’t always pack what he needs so it’s nice to be taken care of.

The rooms are between 795-995 and just can’t be beat for the convenience to both the bar and Walking Street.

Womenfolk

Depending on your taste in women and mood for the night, this place could be just what you’re looking for or just not it at all.  There is a certain lack of variety in that all the girls are younger, attractive, well-mannered and clean.  For some folks, this jut won’t do.  If you are looking for something a little dirtier or older or fatter, this ain’t the place for you.  If you want some honestly decent company with pretty girls, then stop on over. 

Star of Light, Bangkok

Star of Light (Bangkok, Thailand)

See full review at www.bangkokbarfine.com

Like any good Line Rider I usually stick pretty close to the ranch on Soi Cowboy, but sometimes I have to go into town for supplies and I get a little lonely. Now when a cowboy gets that urge for painted ladies at lunchtime there isn’t necessarily a lack of options, but for this cowboy, there is a lack of quality options. I’ve been to the massage parlors that open early, but they seem a bit too sterile and predictable for a man with my unbridled natures.  I like something just a little more exciting and dusty.  That’s why I often hang my hat down at The Star of Light on Patpong 2.

How to Get There: A Trail Map

The trail is pretty well marked and even a pilgrim should have an easy time scoutin’ it out.  You can find the trailhead at the Sala Daeng Station on the BTS. Once you arrive, leave the station using exit #1 and keep walking in the direction the stairs spit you out.  You will see Soi Thaniya directly on your right as you descend, but do not be tempted.  Only Japanese men who throw around money trying to impress escorts are welcomed.  Next you will pass Soi 4, but if you are reading this post I am pretty sure that nothing down there would interest you (a bunch of horn chokers).  The next Soi is Patpong 2.  This is exactly where you want to be.

Patpong 2 is a relatively unassuming little path when viewed from Silom, but don’t let that fool you.  The entrance to the soi is narrow (only big enough for one team of horses or a single taxi) and first thing that you see are stalls on either side selling luggage.  Ride right on past this shit.  You will come around a little bend in the trail and then the road will open up and give you a clear view of the pool halls and bed houses.  You want to keep on ridin’ down the path about 150 yards (140 meters) past several bars and a Foodland shopping center (the Foodland will be your best marker during the day because the other bars are closed).  Once you pass the Foodland there will be an intersection on your left, and from this corner it is possible to see The Star of Light on your right hand side.

The Star of Light is modest to say the least.  It is almost hidden on the bottom floor of the bar complex behind the stairs that lead to the second floor. However, if you are near the intersection and find the stairs on your right, it will not be hard to locate.

What to Do: A Little Sage Advice

At this point you might think that I would tell you to just mosey on in, but you’d be wrong.  That is a bad strategy in this cowpokes opinion.  Now true the draw of The Star is strong, but if you just reach on in for the shiny coin you might just get your little fist caught in the log the way a coon would (read Where the Red Fern Grows).  What you need to do is take a moment and have a drink at the little outside bar just in front of The Star named Cleo Bar.  The name of this bar is Cleo but it is a little hard to see this written anywhere or to imagine that this a bar and not just a waiters station.  I happen to be rather fond of this little locale, however.

Some will be inclined to think that I am recommending Cleo Bar because of drink prices, but they would be wrong too.  I am not the type of rover to mention drink prices at all.  My philosophy is simple: drinks cost what they cost.  I have a few silver dollars clanking around in my coin purse and the cost of drinks is a little beneath this blog.  If you are the type of guy who scouts bars looking for the 80 baht beer, my suggestion to you is just stay at home with a 20 baht can of Chang and jerk off.

No, my reasons for suggesting Cleo are these: First, the company is great.  There are working girls warming the stools at Cleo who are top notch conversationalist, and if you fancy a poke the bar fine here is only 400 baht (I will mention bar fines and girl costs because the proceeds go to charity).  Not only that, but the old woman who runs the bar has been there since Silom was a dirt road (no shit) and it is fun to watch her fall asleep with her head on the counter (She also sleeps on the bar at night. The bar is her home. Give her a kiss on the cheek for me and buy her a drink.  She likes the blue ones.).  Second, and most important, sitting here gives you a chance to survey the girls at Star of Light to see which one you want.

Picking the girl you want is important before making your final approach because there is no chance once you get inside.  This is not because you get trapped, but because there is no inside to speak of.  Just like the saloons of old with massive facades to hide the rather cramped quarters within, the tiny storefront of the Star of Light obscures the even tinier inner sanctum.  Because of this, almost all the girls spend their time sitting at the couple of tables just outside the door.  More often than not they are drinking from a gallon jug that I once made the mistake of partaking in, which I am pretty sure was filled with turpentine. If you just saunter in without picking first, you will only get to choose from the girls that follow after.

Okay, now after your drink at Cleo, proceed over to the tables of girls and ask one–or more, as I often do–to escort you inside.

Rope and Ride

When you get inside you will begin to think that the description I gave here was not adequate to express the minute scale.  There is a bar on the back wall, and to the left are  booths.  That is it.  The entire place is maybe a quarter of the size of a single BTS car.  From here, you have two routes.  You can take a drink to get to know your little lady, or you can get right to business.

The business is this: you can get a blowjob for 700 baht, or you can boom boom for 1,000.  Either fee will be covered on your bar tab and not given to the girl directly.

Here is where it gets interesting.  You have two choices for where you want to experience the thrill that is Star of Light.  They are both excellent.

1. You can engage in licentious acts right there at the booth in front of the whole world or whatever freaked out Japanese or Eastern European tourist might wander in before doing a quick 180.  This is an excellent way to liberate your libertine nature and proclaim yourself among the upper crust of lechers.  If you can do this, you really have arrived.

2. You can request a private audience in the lavatory.  I have tried both options, but this is my favorite.  I just like the idea of having sex in the toilet.  I am sullied and wrong.  I know.  The bathroom consists of a shower on the left for the girls, and a sink, toilet and a small triangle-shaped vinyl stool that fits nicely into the corner on the right.

With either option, the girl will bring out her kit (a box with alcohol wash, condoms, lubricants, tissues, her personal cleaning supplies and mouthwash) and go to work.

Pay on your way out, and wear your boyish grin with pride.

Womenfolk

As a final note as relates to the women, I have two issues to mention: quality and glob baan (take away).  First, the quality of the women as relates to age and beauty, as might be expected, is not as high as your typical go-go on Soi Cowboy.  These girls will most likely not be getting paid to dance naked.  They make the majority of their money with their clothes on–mostly.  That is not to say that they are atrocious; they are not–mostly.  With that said, they are not the type of girls that I would barfine.  It is possible to barfine, but I am not really sure of the price because the idea has never crossed my mind.  I will give a quick anecdote to express my beliefs:

A friend of mine was with one of the girls, and after she finished she told him that she would like to be barfined and go home with him.  He looked at her and said, “Well, you are SOL (see the clever play on Star of Light) and you belong here.”

Restaurant Style Review

Name: Star of Light

Address: 140 meters down Patpong 2, just past Foodland on the ground floor. (would a street number really do any good?)

Phone Number: Really?  Do you want to make a reservation?

Hours: I have been told 08:00-01:00 by other lechers, 09:00-01:00 by the girls, and witnessed 10:00-02:00 myself

Transportation: BTS Sala Daeng, Exit 1 (You can get a taxi on Silom, but don’t get one that is sitting parked at the side of the street.  Walk past them and get a taxi coming down the road with the fare light on.)

Nearby Lodgings: If you feel the need to barfine a girl, you can take a right out of Star of Light and continue down the sidewalk until you see a hotel on the right.  It looks rather legitimate, but believe me, it is not.  Short-time and long-time rates are available.